6/11 “Commander of Cheese”
Let’s jump right in with…
Republicans Against the Law
A federal judge ruled that a lawsuit filed by the ACLU against the White House for its policy separating children from parents at the border will be allowed to proceed. “The government conduct at issue shocks the conscience and violates Plaintiffs’ constitutional right to family integrity,” Judge Dana M. Sabraw wrote.
A federal judge ruled against Donald in a sanctuary city case in Philadelphia, ruling that the administration could not withhold federal funding from the city over its sanctuary policies and stating that the attempt “violates statutory and constitutional law.”
A judge ruled that Donald can be deposed in the lawsuit brought against him by Summer Zervos for defamation, after her accusations against him of sexual misconduct.
A judge has ordered Scott Pruitt’s EPA to provide evidence for his assertion that humans are not the main cause of climate change, after Pruitt published the antiscientific dictum and resisted providing any science to back up the claim.
A federal judge rejected efforts by Trump, the Trump Organization and Michael Cohen to file their objections to findings from the seized documents and records of Donny’s personal attorney’s business dealings entirely under seal, and has instructed that any objections be filed publicly.
Stormy Daniels has filed another lawsuit, this one against Donald’s presently-marinating-in-hot-water personal attorney Michael Cohen as well as her own former attorney, for allegedly colluding together and with Donald to intimidate her and try to silence her story of her relationship with Donald shortly after Melania gave birth to Barron.
Colin Kaepernick’s lawyers plan to subpoena Donald and Mike Pence to compel their testimony about the administration’s direct political involvement with and pressuring of the NFL during Kaepernick’s free agency and the league’s handling of player protests.
The Pentagon opened an investigation into Ronny Jackson, Donald’s former physician who once said Don John could live to 200 if he ate his vegetables. (No, really.)
In light of all the recent conservatives finally speaking out against Donny, let’s try a new section this week we’ll call…
Republicans Reconsidering
Paul Ryan, on his way out of politics, seems to have finally located some vestigial spine and joined other lawmakers—including Republicans—in stating that he’s seen no evidence indicating that the FBI placed a “spy”into Donny’s campaign.
Retired army lieutenant colonel Ralph Peters, who announced in March that he would no longer appear on FOX as a military expert in March because he was disgusted with the network’s extreme bias and slant, gave his first interview since his departure, saying on CNN that FOX had become “a destructive propaganda machine” and is doing “a great, grave disservice to our country.” “It’s bewildering to me,” he said. “I mean, I wanted to just cry out and say: ‘How can you do this? How can you lie to our country?’” Another former FOX news anchor now at CNN joined in, corroborating FOX’s “blurring of the lines between propaganda and journalism.”
The political network run by the Koch brothers is launching a multimillion-dollar, multiyear campaign to oppose his new tariffs. (Unrelated, probably, David Koch stepped down from the company for health reasons.)
Donald asked Republican senator Bob Corker not to file a bill that would check Donny’s authority in trade, such as his recent imposition of tariffs. Corker did it anyway.
Kellyanne Conway’s husband has taken to Twitter again with more public smackdowns on his wife’s boss, Donald—this time refuting Don John’s tweets that the Mueller investigation is unconstitutional.
Ted Cruz was struck dumb for 18 interminable seconds in an interview when asked whether Donald had the right to pardon himself, as the colluder-in-chief asserted he did. Other members of the GOP weighed in more readily, many saying that Donald would likely be impeached if he were to pardon himself for crimes. Which brings us right to…
Russia
Robert Mueller has accused Paul Manafort of witness tampering. In case you’re keeping a tally in the “witch hunt” so far that’s 20 witches indicted, 75 charges filed so far against witches, and at least 5 witches pleading guilty.
As a result a federal judge has scheduled a hearing to revoke Manafort’s bail. Also as a result, Mueller has requested the personal cell phones of witnesses in the case to inspect their encrypted messaging programs, which Manafort used in his efforts to influence the witnesses.
Meanwhile, Mueller filed new charges against both Manafort and an associate of Manafort’s, Konstantin Kilimnik, for obstructing justice and conspiracy to obstruct justice in connection with what investigators are calling a secret lobbying scheme on behalf of Ukraine.
Despite nearly a year’s worth of denials from Donald’s aides that he was behind a misleading statement released in Donny Jr.’s name about the Trump Tower meeting little Junior held with a Kremlin-connected lawyer, a confidential memo to the special counsel revealed that the liar-in-chief did, in fact, dictate the statement.
“Draining the Swamp”
The Scott Pruitt abuse-of-office saga continues with revelations that he used taxpayer-funded staff to help him search for housing, buy a used Trump mattress, and help his wife look into opening a Chick-Fil-A franchise. Two days later it was revealed that he also used members of taxpayer-funded $3.5 million/year security detail to pick up his dry cleaning and take him to buy moisturizing lotion. Federal ethics laws bar public officials from using their position or staff for private gain. One of his top aides—who received a hefty salary increase despite the White House refusing Pruitt’s request for raises—has resigned, allegedly telling other staffers she is tired of being “thrown under the bus” by Pruitt. Democrats have formally asked the Justice Department to investigate Pruitt for criminal conduct.
Remember White House aide Kelly Sadler, who made an appalling comment about John McCain, stating that his opposition to CIA director Gina Haspel’s nomination didn’t matter because the war-hero POW senator was dying? She’s out.
Donald is reportedly tabling the attempt to appoint a number three official in the DoJ—the person who would assume control of the Russia investigation should Donald fire Robert Mueller—because no one apparently wants the position.
Social and Civil Rights Advances
Voters recalled Judge Aaron Perksy from the bench Wednesday, the judge who sentenced convicted rapist Brock Turner to a lenient six months in jail—the first judge removed from his position in California in 86 years.
Miss America is eliminating the swimsuit competition (because it’s 2018, FFS).
Your Feel-good Stories of the Week
Donald uninvited the Philadelphia Eagles from the White House after only “a tiny handful” of the players agreed to meet with him. FOX News, reporting the story in pure propaganda style, ran a picture showing players kneeling—which was later exposed by Eagles team members as actually being a photo of several of them in a circle praying. FOX later apologized for the misleading photo. Meanwhile at the White House, in Don John’s patched-together “Celebration of America” he held without the Super Bowl champions (which drew backlash from the world of pro sports), one attendee took a knee.
After NBA finalists the Warriors and the Cavaliers both stated that they did not want to be invited to the White House, Donald scrambled to announce he was not inviting them to the White House.
Rudy Giuliani’s latest mouth eruptions have been publicly smacked down, this time from the unlikeliest of sources: Melania Trump’s office. Melania’s spokesperson refuted Giuliani’s assertion that the scarce first lady told Donald’s bloviating newest lawyer that she believed her husband regarding the Stormy Daniels (Stephanie Clifford) affair: “I don’t believe Mrs. Trump has ever discussed her thoughts on anything with Mr. Giuliani,” her spokeswoman told the New York Times.
Finally, if you haven’t yet discovered Randy Rainbow’s incisive, hilarious musical parodies of the world of Don John, please allow me to introduce you with this genius video from a statement that actually, magically happened, when Kellyanne Conway referred to Donny as the commander of cheese.